Some of the hardest days aren’t those when I’m in lots of pain and still have to work, but when those days are also the days where my wife is in extreme pain or sick—and I can’t care for her the same way she does me.
I have some chronic conditions/ailments, but so does Amanda, and it is so difficult to not be there for her to the capacity she needs. On days like these, I wish I could just take all her pain away and care for her. I would take it on myself, if it meant she wouldn’t be in pain.
Today she had the worst migraine she has had in months.
If you have ever had a migraine, you know how excruciating and draining they are. She gets auras with her migraines, and often bad enough vision that she can’t see…those are the warning signs before intense pain sears into her brain.
I only have an inkling of what she’s going through, since I also get migraines, but I don’t know quite what it’s like to have my vision affected by them to that degree. I can only imagine that it might be similar to when I’m about to faint, and I know that feels like the world is slipping away from you, making you feel vulnerable and exposed.
Amanda texted me when her vision started to go—she definitely was in no state to work or to drive home, so I was happy to give her a ride. She told me she hadn’t felt pain like that in as long as she could remember. I got her the medicine she needed, and tucked her in, soon had to go back to work.
I wish I could do a lot more to help, such as skipping work, or massaging her head, cooking, etc….but, today my arms feel like I shattered both my funny bones (not s funny, haha) with the nerve pain pulsing down my wrists and hands, so my hands are just not quite doing all the things I want them to, plus the pain zaps all the physical, emotional, and mental energy from me. I did what I could from home, and stayed as long as I could without causing issue with my job, but wish it was more.
On days like this, I want to feel healthy and pain-free, not for me, but for my wife.
So new life goals: Re-learn how to do things at my pace, when I can, and find techniques to care for her to the best of my abilities, in a way that is actually helpful for her. I vowed to be there for her in sickness and in health, so I want to be strong for her whenever I can. I think with daily hard work, I can make my life better for me, for her, and for our relationship.
I believe each day can get better for me with good health, and I hope that as I learn my limits and “number of spoons” I have, I can learn my abilities and strengths, and can support my wife to the best of my ability: just like she does for me every single day.
So, hang in there, Amanda…one day at a time, and it will all get better. The tide always turns.